Five safe ways to join and win an argument in a public bus in Lagos
If you live in Lagos and not a member of the Otedola clan who just buy a new eye if the old one scratches them too much, then you must be familiar with Danfo, Molue and other forms of public transpor, including the BRT buses. Save the Primero-owned (blue) air-conditioned buses that are fairly organized, the others are typically associated with rowdiness, body odor, and hot and loud debates.
So you won’t say I haven’t done anything for you in life, I applied my experience [from non-participatory observation, I must add] and took the pain to draw up a careful and strategic list of how to join the debates in these buses and win them to the glory of God.
Here goes:
1. Look out for the adopted language: This is very crucial. Getting this wrong would be unfortunate as it means you are starting on a terrible footing. If you hear the people having a back and forth along the lines of “Buhari no fit die well, see as fuel cost!”, it would be foolhardy of you to make a contribution saying “Well, the fuel price hike is preposterous and one wonders why the President has been quite facetious about the matter”. You will immediately become the topic and trust me brother/sister, someone will volunteer to beat sense into you free of charge. Na only you go school?
2. Side with the guy with the loudest voice: Let’s be frank, you can’t make sense out of most conversations that take place in public buses. Half of the people are misinformed and driven by emotions (instead of logic). The other half are compulsive liars who claim to have only just met Buhari (or any other important person) the day before. So there is no point standing on the side of truth or sense. For the brief 30 mins or five hours (if the angels of traffic descend from heaven) that you will spend in the bus, carefully identify the guy with the loudest voice and give him backup. You know, like Cele choir. You will win and nothing feels like victory. In case you are in doubt, ask Arsenal fans.
3. Don’t ask for sources: See, let me just tell you the truth, in most cases, staged arguments in public buses are just avenues for the participants to feed themselves fat with lies. So dont waste your time fact-checking anything or demanding sources. It is not unusual, for instance, to hear a chap insist that Tinubu owns the whole of Lagos or was caught red-handed with 100 billion dollars only to be let go because the officer in charge is a Lagosian whose mother got a free home from the Jagaban in 1889. Because if you ask for proof or source, the individual will likely hiss and shrug before declaring that “Aunty mi lo send e simi lori Wassup (Whatsapp)”. Just open your own Wassup and drop your lie too. Nothing spoil.
4. Deflecting is constitutional: If you try to keep the people on the subject matter, you will te (be disgraced). It is completely okay to derail and move on to other topics without reaching any meaningful conclusion on the previous one. So if the subject matter is Buhari and corruption and someone manages to shift it to Obasanjo’s fight with his children, just go with the flow. And yes, if you don’t have anything to say, lie. Blame it on your aunty on Wassup.
5. Save your killer blow for the last minute: When you discover that you are only a few minutes away from your stop, creatively conjure a killer point [remember that it doesn’t have to be true] and have it waiting. When the bus signals to stop for you, get up promtply before it does, move very close to the exit and drop it just as you are making your way out. You will receive a loud ovation! In case you don’t understand, I’ll explain. Let’s say, hypothetically, that the discussion is about Donald Trump and his irrational behavior — and you have elected to defend him against claims he is racist and whatnot. When you are close to the exit, yell that “I went to the same secondary school with this Trump you people are abusing. He was my best friend. And I didn’t bleach o! It is the same baba dudu skin. So what are you talking?”
Then bow out like a boss.
